Like a machine... a caged animal in a hamster wheel...

No reason.... no logic,

Just keep moving.... just keep driving onward...

It doesnt matter how I feel... nor does it matter what I think..

Just keep driving.... keep working....

Be your niche.. wear your label.... be a good little machine...

I get oiled when I squeak.... and when I am broke... attention is given...

But I am just a machine...

Nothing but a whirling tireless machine of life....

No hope of more... Only to serve and do my task...

Is it wrong to love someone so much that becoming a machine is a good thing?

At least machines dont feel... wish I couldnt feel.... just keep driving... be a good machine....

Some day, I dont know when, the machine will break down...

and there will be no parts.. there will be no one to maintain me... and the

Sweet release from the lifespan of this machine... and rest I will in a junkyard.... from were I came....

 

Every have a demon rip your soul form your body and family strip you of every logical thought, and then, just for icing on the cake, friends that seem to know you but misinterprete everything they see....

My eyes are hollow...because there is no light left inside... there is no emotion left, saved want, needs, and pain... but alas.. I am still kicking... for whatever thats worth.

I am just holding on and hoping that someday, there will be a light at the end of this tunnel... this long dark twisty tunnel.... life.

Well, hear it is in a nut shell. I am stuck living with my parents, I have NOTHING.... and I am not kidding either. My soul is ripped asunder from my disease riddled carcass. The wound of it is constantly revisited over and over, like salt being added....  my present bleak, my past is full of regrets and stupid decisions I have made, and my future doesnt look any better...

I dont know where my life is going to go and no one has any answers for me... at least not anything reasonable or logical. And so it goes.....

Surely it isn't too much to ask for.... I mean, all I want is it all. Just have to bide my time I guess and se what new hell drops through the drain onto my head....

Well, Managed to get online.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be homeless? To be so desperately unemployed that you didnt know when you were going to eat and had to send your kids off to your sisters because you couldnt supply a home for them? Have you ever been REALLY hungry? Ever have to depend on what you could beg, barrow or steal?

Well thats what the last 3 months has been like so forgive me if this journal hasnt been high on my priority list.  But on the bright side, I got a job and one in the wait and I am on my way back to putting things together.

Catch you again when I can.

Ok, time for the next part of this little series.

First let me explain what I believe makes up a living human being.

There is the body. Its the vehicle that packs around all the important stuff. Then we have the Spirit. That thing that is the essence of life within us and all living things. It is that which controls instinct and desire. That which is the more basic part of life and that which attaches us to the rest of nature as a whole. Then there is the soul. That which seperates us from the animal. I believe this to be the nexus of human thought, intellect, experience, and self awareness, and realization. My soul is what makes me, me. And though yours maybe somewhat similar, your soul is unique.

By force of design, I believe that the spirit is a thing that comes from nature, and when the creature containing that spirit dies, that spirit returns back to nature creating a spiritual cycle.

Also, by design, I also believe that the human spirit is perpetual. It does not pass on but instead is recycled over and over, through numerous lifespans, collect all the experiences that it can in hopes of achieving enlightenment. I believe that a soul cycles through birth, as a human (as opposed to other creatures), a lived lifespan, death, temporary storage in afterlife, and then rebirth.

All things in nature operate on the concept of cycles so it is easy to see how the spirit and soul should operate on a cycle much like the body does. That all being said, that leaves two major questions.

1. What happens when you die?

2. What happens when your soul is enlightened?

 

guess what... next post.

Well, I am bored and need something to fill this space, so I am going to talk about my religion.

I am a religious polyglot. Now the first question that I am sure comes to your mind is, "What the fuck is a polyglot?" Well, to answer your question, the word polyglot means from many languages or from many sources. So when it is used in the context of religious belief, it boils down like this. A religious polyglot is a person who through research and personal experience have delved deeply into many many different religions and have found that each, in and of itself, is unfullfilling for whatever reason. So the polyglot takes those tenents from each religion that makes sense and makes a sort of patchwork religious system that they base their life off of. I will go into detail on what tenents I chose when I make more posts.

so.....to be continued.

Ok.. its been 4 months since the last time I posted a journal entry, so now I gota play catchup to get all of my (nonexsistant) readers caught up with what is happening.

The Call of Cthulhu Fan Site-- Still active and strong, though it needs some more submissions of fan fic.

The Nightwalker Radio-- Flopped out. I had to make some home network adjustments and it made the whole damn thing crash!

Vitae of Life-- strong and Active. If your an adult and like to read some good Vampire RPGing, then give it a whirl, or at least a read.

WODNetwork-- Newest plan to centralize all the Adult World of Darkness Free form Forum RPG cities into a giant travel map for ease of access.  Go check it out!

WODNetwork Online Store--Well, I need money to buy a domain and a full server for the WODNetwork site so what better way then to sell some WODNetwork merchandise. Also very new.

I had my son... Christoper Jameson Lowery... Big healthy happy baby boy... I will post pictures. I promise.

I have been on night shift and it sucks nuts! But it pays good so here I am.

Well, my eldest daughter has stated that she is Bi-sexual.... Ok.. so what. Good for her. Its not like I aint got her back no matter what anyway.

Thats all good though, cause it turns out my wife and I have a girlfriend now. I know! What the hell am I thinking but its really deep and different and theres no telling where it'll go. No rush though. It'll go where ever it damn well pleases.

Have you had enough yet?

Hehe.

I will make myself get back into the habit of posting. I promise.

AND I ALWAYS KEEP MY PROMISES!

 

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Turns out I have another creepy ass tale of horror loaded into the Fan Fiction Library.  It's a twisted little Shortstory called, "The Hotel". It and several other pieces of Fan Fiction Fear is available from my front page. Just look for the fanFiction Morgue Drawer, open and click. If you like a good spooky tale, then please, do yourself a favor and give it a read.

Turns out I started working nights this week. I don't mind working nights, it just takes abit of getting used to. If you guys haven't tried my Internet radio station yet, go ahead and give it a try. Don't be scared. It won't hurt....Much. Lol. I made it really simple. All you have to do is have winamp and click the old timey radio at the top of the journal. It will automatically tune in Nightwalker Radio and play it for you on your winamp. Enjoy.

As if I havent got enough to juggle, I am no soul DJ and operator of an internet radio station called "Nightwalker Radio". It's loaded with dark, demented, hardcore and even evil Metal and rock, bent on twisting the minds of it's listeners to near insanity. No... Really!

If you wanna check it out, do this:

1. If you already have winamp skip to part 3.

2. Download and install winamp from www.winamp.com .Its adware free and costs nothing. Ever.

3. Go to www.shoutcast.com in the left hand search box type in " Nightwalker Radio". When the next page comes up look for the yellow button. Click it. Winamp will automatically popup and start streaming my vicious little station into your ears.

Note: If you find anything on my station offensive, don't bother telling me about it, just stop listening. From 9:30 am to around 10:30 am EST(US) The station goes down so that I can add new tracks and remix the playlist.

This station is DJ'ed live whenever anyone tunes in on it and I'm awake.

 

Ok. Maybe I should get my ass kicked. You big enough to do it? Somehow I doubt it. Lol.

Really though, I apologize for not being as good poster but what can I say...  I've been too busy. Between trying to get my stupid computer to run with some simulance to stability, building a CoC aston shell theme, Maintaining two sites and raising my chitlens, I really just have not had a whole lot of time to post in my journal. I know, excuses.. excuses... Well that's my story and I am sticking to it.

The Fan Fiction Library on my CoC fan site has had a new submission. It's called "Beneath the House"

Read it and tell me what you think. I will send all criticisms the authors way.

Be good or be good at it. Whichever works for you.

In case your wondering where I've been, I have been busy building my own Vampire the Masquerade forum rpg. I have also been abit busy with my new shoutcast radio station. To hear it (between 10:30pm and 1:00am EST) you can download winamp and go to www.shoutcast.com and search for Nightwalker Radio. It plays a dark collection of metal music just right for the nightwalker in you. By the way, my rpg site is http://vitaeoflife.proboards34.com . I will put the link in the game list also.

       Around about 8 years ago, Me, and my two younger brothers decided to have a seance. Since my middle brother was a practicing pagan, he seemed the obvious choice for the one to run the little shin-dig. After much ritualizing and such, I began to hear a distinct voice in my head. And the voice was answering the questions my brother was asking. Now, I know this sounds extremely incredulous, but then, if you read my bio, then you should already know about my ability....

Well. A couple of months later, strange things began going on around me. I would lay my keys down on a dresser and they would turn up missing only to reappear on the dresser where I layed them, the next day. Similar events also happened...

Me and my then girlfriend got married about a two years after the seance. We moved into our own place together and the weird stuff continued. Lights flipping themselves off and on and stuff getting moved and misplaced. All normal run of the mill spook stuff. Nothing that bothered me or my wife too much. Then one morning, I had a house full of guests sitting around the living room, talking and playing video games. Then all of a sudden a voice (minus the source) says, "Jerry" Immediately, everyone in the room stopped there conversations dead. Even my baby brother, who is a video game junky, paused his game and looked around. We were all left questioning where the voice came from.

When me and my wife moved to Florida, as I lay there half asleep in the bed with the bedroom door and btw I was the last person awake in the house, I watched a medium height teenage girl walk through my living room. Now I don't know if I dreamed this or actually saw it, but I saw enough of her to know that she matched the decription Karen gave of herself in that seance Years before.

Since moving back, she has made her presence known repeatedly. She has been around my immediate family long enough to literally consider her part of the family. She has never been anything but benevolent, if not abit mischievious. And she has no qualms with poking a smart ass visitor when they bad mouth her, as my sister found out not long ago.

Well there you have it. Believe what you will. I don't really care anyways.

 

   Ok. It's been awhile since my last post so now I am going to get you guys up to  speed.

First, I have recoved from my nasty string of bad luck (dog, flu, absess) and I have hit the ground running.

I found a new game called "Hostile Takeover". Its a forum based freeform RPG based on Vampire the masquerade rules. My character's name is Gerry, a truly tortured Malkavian of 11th gen.

I will supply the link on this journal and on my site.

I got shorted on my pay to the tune of over $100 US about two weeks ago. Well after warring with anyone who would listen to my rant concerning my bills and how I was being screwed by the company I work for, they decided that I was right and added it to my standard pay I recieved. Now I have a nice chunk of money to fill in all the wholes (Bills) with. It's about freakin' time.

I almost forgot. My older sister was at my house about a week ago, and she was going off because my junky old computer was giving her what for. Then she made a critical mistake and blamed the pc's ills on Karen, my personal haunt. Well moments after my sis's comment, she got poked. Really hard in the right shoulder blade, as she sat at my pcs compter desk. Just goes to show you that you haveta show people respect. Even if they're dead.

    Well after finally whipping the flu bug and a horrid absessed tooth, not to mention the untimely death of my little dog, you guys have been seriously supportive, and for that I personally thank you.

Turns out amulett was right in that the graphix I used as the basis for my front page is copywrited. So, several days ago, (Even though I did change the picture signifigantly enough that it may not be considered theirs any longer, I'm not sure) I sent an email of apology to the copywrite owners, and stated that I would do whatever they desired concerning the graphic piece in question. I figured that I should them my intention to cooperate fully with their wishes and leave the ball in their court, they might decide to be merciful with me and give me writes to the one use of this one pic. It has been four business days, and still no response. This is concerning. Oh well.

You guys take it easy and have a  good weekend....

   As I am sure you all know, I am still sick as crap, and sitting here at work. Good thing it really ain't work. I find out early this afternoon (Via chat) that my dog, Ginger, has been run over. My dog might have been a stupid dog, but I still liked her. My kids loved her and so did my wife. Some idiot opened the front gate to my yard while she was out in the yard using the little doggy bathroom, and, of course, she ran out. Then (according to a eye witness), someone hit her and then hit her again and drove off. The vet said that her whole rear end was crushed and she may have had some internal bleeding. So my wife askes the vet how much to fix her? Now understand, I am the only one that works (For pay). My wife raises my 3 rugrats and thats a FULL time job. Believe me. However, we don't have no whole lot of money to spend on anything (Not if my kids are to eat). The vet tells my wife that it'll be around $1000.00 plus the extra cost of medicine and extra after care visits. She asks the vet, "Can we make payments on it?" The vet says,"Sure. Just pay $500.00 Down." The reason so much is because she may not make it anyway, so they wanna make sure they got some money out of use. Needless to say, I told my wife to tell the vet to put her down. It was almost like telling a doctor to put one of my kids down. The trippy thing about this is that the more upset I get about it the more furious it all makes me. It is probably a good thing I don't know who ran over my dog, or opened my gate for no good reason, cause if I did, I'd kill that MF'er and his little dog too.

    I feel like crap today, not that anyone cares, but I said it anyway, so there! {Shut up, whiny ass!} Step up and make me! {You know I will! I ain't scared of you! You haveta go to sleep sometime!} Shut up! {No you Shut up}.   *SHACKS HEAD VIGOROUSLY*  Sorry 'bout that.  Been surfing around the ole' blog community, trying to get the word out about my Newly revamped Front Page, and I had a lil' epiphany. (Just a little one) There are some awesome writers out here. I hope all you guys keep on writing.

   I had a friend of mine over last night, and he told me that my front page was boring. He said that you can't expect to draw people in with just good content, and that my site needed more eyecandy and creepiness to draw their attention in. Well I hope you guys like my new front page creation. It's big and creepy and full of little suprises. I did it with photoshop and dreamweaver, or in this case nightmare weaver. Now, maybe, some of you guys will stay around a read some of the lit. Oh well. I tried.

     Today, it took me nearly an hour to do a 35 min. commute. Truly there are some people who should not own a gun, and I think I might be one of those people. I got cutoff twice, (Bang! Bang!) then I got stuck behind a horridly overloaded truck that almost couldn't climb a low hill, (Bang!) then when I finally got free of that moron, some idiot decided he was Mario Andretti and rode my arse for 7 miles while I was doing 15 miles over the speed limit (Bang!). My desired deathtoll is 4. Good thing I don't own a gun. Lol.